Excerpt From: “Not Safe for the Bank(er) A Fiona Gavelle Mystery” by Una Tiers

Not Safe for the Bank(er)Fiona Gavelle just wanted to get a roll of quarters but ended up in the middle of another murder investigation. Meet Father Gizzle and Mary Ann and find out whether or not Fiona gave her business card to the murderer.

Excerpt:

The police car parked on the sidewalk didn’t suggest anything out of order, but the crowd inside the bank did. As the door hit me in the ass, I stopped like a cartoon character.

Feigning confidence to cover my indecision, I scanned the room. Ten or twelve police and an equal number of humorless guys in suits were watching me with at least scorn. Mr. Fives, the bank manager was sitting in the lounge area squeezing his face in his hands, then running them up through his hair making it stand up in goofy clumps.

His eyes widened, “Ms. Gavelle you need to help me.” He stood up part way and sank down in resignation.

Relieved to see a friendly face, and inappropriately curious, I started over to him.

“Are you okay Mr. Fives?”

Before he answered, a large man stepped between us fuming with exasperation.

“You can’t talk to him.”

“He’s asked to speak to his lawyer.” I searched for a poker face to apply. Oh how I love when my mind works at lawyer speed.

After some mumbling and discussion among the suits and uniforms, the large man stepped aside and Mr. Fives and I went into his office. The floor to ceiling glass walls would drive me crazy but in a bank I guess they were necessary. Mr. Fives looked considerably less handsome with a splotchy face than when sitting at his desk printing out extra copies of my monthly statements or hawking a new credit card feature.

“I don’t know what happened…” he started.

A slight blur of movement distracted me. “Wait,” I held up my hand.

“They think I…” He blundered.

“Stop.”

“Why?”

“Ssh.” I whispered impatiently.

For a few seconds he looked confused. Looking through to the curious crowd inching closer to the glass, watching us without shame, he figured it out. Turning his back to the glass window, he continued. “Carol’s dead. She was murdered in the vault this morning.” His nose was running and he wiped it on a real handkerchief wadded up in a death grip in his hand.

“Carol?” I started. “Murdered?”

“Dead, murdered, gone, and they think I did it because I was the last one in the vault last night.”

“You didn’t admit anything did you?”

His wretched look suggested he had. Didn’t he watch television? Innocent questions and honest answers always get people in trouble.

My fingers were less than steady when I pulled out my cell phone and called Bob Noodle, an attorney who actually practices criminal law. I’m just a reasonable faker because I watch lawyer and cop programs and reruns of Police Woman.

***

Bio: Una Tiers is an attorney in Chicago, Illinois. She murders people (on paper) to relieve stress or if they sass her. Her school chum asked if she would be in one of her books and the result is Not Safe for the Bank(er). It’s a short story/humorcide.

eBook: http://www.amazon.com/Not-Safe-Bank-er-ebook/dp/B00CPCJA66

website: http://unatiers.com

trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yX03yc1t0Ws

Excerpt from “Judge vs Nuts” by Una Tiers

Fiona Gavelle is a new attorney in Chicago, Illinois.  Her career starts out in a dusty neighborhood office where she does more secretarial than lawyer work.

In one night she is unceremoniously booted from her feckless job, has the last argument with her husband and meets Judge Laslo King for the first and last time.

Take a peek into the probate courts in Daley Center in Chicago. Read about the dancing skeletons. Laugh.

EXCERPT:

The day of the funeral it was clear, sunny and four degrees. This is average January weather in Chicago. During these cold spells, conversation always includes the wind chill factor which routinely hovers at twenty or thirty degrees below zero.

The funeral consisted of church at the historic St. Somewhere Catholic Church in the west loop, followed by burial.

….

I don’t like funeral processions because they are inherently dangerous, even though driving through red lights is fun. The custom is also barbaric if you think about it just a little. Participants risk getting cut off from the herd or getting hit by some driver who isn’t paying attention to the divergence of the regular traffic pattern. This ironically could generate more business for the very people who advocate funeral processions, the undertakers. Now and then I worry my evil nature will cause me to turn into a drive through car wash or hamburger place just to see who follows. For this reason, when I am unsupervised, I usually make sure I’m the last car in the procession.

After the forty-five minute drive, with no near death experiences and no comic interludes we arrived at All the Holy Saints cemetery at the city’s west border.

Judge Curie was quiet during the drive allowing me to concentrate on driving. A few times he reached up for the overhead grip and acted as if a train was heading straight for my car. He didn’t seem to like my driving.

At the cemetery, the funeral guy directed the cars to park two across on the narrow (but plowed) roads.

We waited while the pallbearers struggled to maintain their footing, slipping and sliding a little while they carried the coffin from the hearse to the grave.

“What would happen if they dropped him?” I whispered.

***

Una Tiers (pen name) is an attorney practicing law in Chicago, Illinois. She is an avid reader. After a particularly bad day in court, she wrote a story making the curse of her day the victim. With a smile, additional victims were added as necessary. The result was Judge vs Nuts, a look at murder, corruption and the Chicago judiciary.

Judge vs Nuts is available in ebook. http://www.amazon.com/DP/B007BSD4RU

Website unatiers.com

For the book book trailer, see http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=55XqIbk0VY4

Click here for an interview with: Fiona Gavelle, a Character in “Judge vs Nuts” by Una Tiers